It has been a long time since I last posted... This is both good and bad. But I am writing because I am hoping that this is sort of my publicly secret diary. I have a lot of things going on in my head right now. And I unfortunately have this habit of having to get things off my chest. Even when sometimes it is not appropriate or can hurt those I love.
So I remembered my blog... and thought. I don't have to tell anyone I'm blogging, but rather just begin posting my thoughts out there - getting them out of my head and putting them in to the wind. Sort of like telling your life secrets to that best friend for a week that you met at summer camp. You shared your deepest hopes and dreams, and then never saw one another again.
I have my favorite poem in my head and cannot get it out. It is by e e cummings. This poem touched me to the core the first time I ever heard it read a loud. It embodies the way I love those in my life. Obviously, I have not embarked on anything earth shattering since e e cummings wrote this back in the early part of the 20th century. But I can't help but feel, and have often been told, that like everything else about me I love in a very blunt and passionate way.
There is nothing passive about me... not in the way I talk or live or write. So it should not be surprising that when I fall in love with some one that there is nothing remotely apprehensive or timid about it. I know it. And when it happens I embrace it and I face it. And it becomes a part of who I am.
So e e cummings' poem - I carry your heart just seems to speak to me. And I wish I could read this poem out loud to the man who I think of everyday and - although he doesn't love in the same way I do - he is still amazing to me. And I hope one day he'll realize that...
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Monday, May 19, 2008
A Good Kind of Deja Vu
Last week, I went to what is now referred to my old home to get the last of my things - or at least move them out to the garage. The house was completely cleared out and had been cleaned. Carpets swept and cleaned, the kitchen was spotless - all the bathrooms practically sparkled. I was standing in the entry way (foyer) looking into the living room - and felt a deja vu.
It took me back to 2003 - when I entered the house for the first time after it had been completed. It was an erie but very real feeling.
The memory of how excited and hopeful I felt when I came in 5 years ago to check the place out before moving in. I haven't felt that way in a long time.
As I scanned the house I suddenly realized how much I have enjoyed living here. And what a beautiful place this was. I say that - because honestly over the last couple of months it didn't feel nice.
But now everything was clean. All my crap, physical and mental - was gone. It was brand new all over. For a second I couldn't help but hope that the same was true for me. As I stood there silently admiring the peaceful emptiness. The sun filling the rooms and bouncing off the walls, creating a very soft glow, as memories of the last 5 years played out in the rooms. It was like watching a movie full of lifetime clips.
Christmases, birthdays, family get togethers, and cook outs, kids playing and laughing - all good memories. It was like the house was reminding me to only remember all the great and precious moments we had there - and everything else will just be a distant past.
I told a very good friend of mine that I didn't think I would get so choked up about leaving. But as I stood there in the middle of a house it represented so much more than my house. It was my life. It was me that was all cleaned up, and ready for a new beginning.
I will not forget my past, but I will choose to only remember the good parts.
It took me back to 2003 - when I entered the house for the first time after it had been completed. It was an erie but very real feeling.
The memory of how excited and hopeful I felt when I came in 5 years ago to check the place out before moving in. I haven't felt that way in a long time.
As I scanned the house I suddenly realized how much I have enjoyed living here. And what a beautiful place this was. I say that - because honestly over the last couple of months it didn't feel nice.
But now everything was clean. All my crap, physical and mental - was gone. It was brand new all over. For a second I couldn't help but hope that the same was true for me. As I stood there silently admiring the peaceful emptiness. The sun filling the rooms and bouncing off the walls, creating a very soft glow, as memories of the last 5 years played out in the rooms. It was like watching a movie full of lifetime clips.
Christmases, birthdays, family get togethers, and cook outs, kids playing and laughing - all good memories. It was like the house was reminding me to only remember all the great and precious moments we had there - and everything else will just be a distant past.
I told a very good friend of mine that I didn't think I would get so choked up about leaving. But as I stood there in the middle of a house it represented so much more than my house. It was my life. It was me that was all cleaned up, and ready for a new beginning.
I will not forget my past, but I will choose to only remember the good parts.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Bitter Observations in Review
You know sometimes I find that when the anger and irritation become too much the best thing is just to run them out, literally.
Last night I went on a 5K walk - run. During that time for what ever reason I went through this list in my mind of things I have observed, noticed or learned about over the last several weeks. In order to appease my current frustration with life, I am going to share. They may seem a bit bitter - but I feel getting them off your chest is better than harboring them.
1. The anger and hurt never really go away, we just learn to refocus on other things. In order to be happy and sane we must learn to move on - but the pain will revisit and take you back down memory lane on occasion.
2. A line I heard the other day in the movie 'Becoming Jane': "Nothing will break the human spirit like poverty." This is a very true statement...
3. This may seem bitter - but it's not - it's is a common reality. The statement... "You marry for love the first time. The second time you marry for money." or security - whichever way you choose to spin it, I am beginning to see how people come to this conclusion.
4. Sometimes revenge is good for the soul.
5. Passive revenge is better than blatant revenge.
6. Anger is not a sin. It means you have standards, ethics and morals, and someone has crossed that line for you. Sometimes we need to get angry to make a change.
7. One of the best sermons I ever heard was about Jesus becoming angry.
8. I feel that if I can't send religious emails around work, then people shouldn't be able to send earth day emails around either. I don't preach to them about their sins, don't preach to me about my waste! That is soooo annoying, and shows you don't have enough work to do!
9. I hate the saying "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." Really? Try living in my world for a day. That phrase uses the word stronger, but I believe most people just become hardened. Because true hardship, actually can kill a small piece of your heart or spirit. It forces us to become more guarded and less likely to put ourselves out there. A soldier doesn't just wonder back onto the battlefield on his second tour of duty. He is more suspicious, more jaded and more cautious.
10. I hate the boys club! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! Do you know why?? Because guys who are in the boys club exclude women just because they are women. They are such cowards. They can't handle competition - even if it is friendly - and they are so damn clique-ish. It's like freakin middle school - except out on the golf course instead of the play ground. I forgot how much I hated the boys club.
11. Two brand managers start within weeks of each other. They have the same boss who reports to the Director. One takes to their job and impresses people all over the company ramping up in a matter of weeks - and taking initiative. Working of 4 high level products and getting things done. The second manager comes in 5 weeks later. Has several high level projects, but wonders around clueless and not doing anything because they don't know the process. This manager gets to have one on one face time with the Director shortly after coming on board. --- which one do you think is the guy???
12. My dog killed a baby bunny rabbit and left it on the patio for me. I took a shovel and threw the bunny carcass over the neighbors fence - they don't have kids. I sort of feel bad about that - but really I just think its funny.
13. I have developed a darker sense of humor over the last few months. That must be me getting "stronger" from all the stuff that hasn't killed me over the past 2 years.
14. I am really looking forward to a day that will hopefully come soon when I can utter the words "I'm bored."
16. I miss shopping and buying clothes. I miss having new shoes. I miss buying too many clothes for my girls. I miss drinking with my gal pals.
17. Enjoying a cup of coffee at your desk in the mornings without being mauled is now a simple pleasure that I can enjoy.
18. You know if someone wants to work while they are on maternity leave - they are allowed to do that. Leave them the hell alone. It's not your kid or your family.
19. It is very upsetting that I have gained almost 10 pounds because I quit smoking. But I really don't want to start back.
20. You know how minorities can call each other by racists names but people not from that race can't? Well, I think it's funny how women can ask each other if it's that time of the month and we are cool with it and actually contemplate it as a possibility, but if a man asks? He is instantly decapitated with one swift evil stare and no sex for a month. Kinda funny.
Last night I went on a 5K walk - run. During that time for what ever reason I went through this list in my mind of things I have observed, noticed or learned about over the last several weeks. In order to appease my current frustration with life, I am going to share. They may seem a bit bitter - but I feel getting them off your chest is better than harboring them.
1. The anger and hurt never really go away, we just learn to refocus on other things. In order to be happy and sane we must learn to move on - but the pain will revisit and take you back down memory lane on occasion.
2. A line I heard the other day in the movie 'Becoming Jane': "Nothing will break the human spirit like poverty." This is a very true statement...
3. This may seem bitter - but it's not - it's is a common reality. The statement... "You marry for love the first time. The second time you marry for money." or security - whichever way you choose to spin it, I am beginning to see how people come to this conclusion.
4. Sometimes revenge is good for the soul.
5. Passive revenge is better than blatant revenge.
6. Anger is not a sin. It means you have standards, ethics and morals, and someone has crossed that line for you. Sometimes we need to get angry to make a change.
7. One of the best sermons I ever heard was about Jesus becoming angry.
8. I feel that if I can't send religious emails around work, then people shouldn't be able to send earth day emails around either. I don't preach to them about their sins, don't preach to me about my waste! That is soooo annoying, and shows you don't have enough work to do!
9. I hate the saying "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." Really? Try living in my world for a day. That phrase uses the word stronger, but I believe most people just become hardened. Because true hardship, actually can kill a small piece of your heart or spirit. It forces us to become more guarded and less likely to put ourselves out there. A soldier doesn't just wonder back onto the battlefield on his second tour of duty. He is more suspicious, more jaded and more cautious.
10. I hate the boys club! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! Do you know why?? Because guys who are in the boys club exclude women just because they are women. They are such cowards. They can't handle competition - even if it is friendly - and they are so damn clique-ish. It's like freakin middle school - except out on the golf course instead of the play ground. I forgot how much I hated the boys club.
11. Two brand managers start within weeks of each other. They have the same boss who reports to the Director. One takes to their job and impresses people all over the company ramping up in a matter of weeks - and taking initiative. Working of 4 high level products and getting things done. The second manager comes in 5 weeks later. Has several high level projects, but wonders around clueless and not doing anything because they don't know the process. This manager gets to have one on one face time with the Director shortly after coming on board. --- which one do you think is the guy???
12. My dog killed a baby bunny rabbit and left it on the patio for me. I took a shovel and threw the bunny carcass over the neighbors fence - they don't have kids. I sort of feel bad about that - but really I just think its funny.
13. I have developed a darker sense of humor over the last few months. That must be me getting "stronger" from all the stuff that hasn't killed me over the past 2 years.
14. I am really looking forward to a day that will hopefully come soon when I can utter the words "I'm bored."
16. I miss shopping and buying clothes. I miss having new shoes. I miss buying too many clothes for my girls. I miss drinking with my gal pals.
17. Enjoying a cup of coffee at your desk in the mornings without being mauled is now a simple pleasure that I can enjoy.
18. You know if someone wants to work while they are on maternity leave - they are allowed to do that. Leave them the hell alone. It's not your kid or your family.
19. It is very upsetting that I have gained almost 10 pounds because I quit smoking. But I really don't want to start back.
20. You know how minorities can call each other by racists names but people not from that race can't? Well, I think it's funny how women can ask each other if it's that time of the month and we are cool with it and actually contemplate it as a possibility, but if a man asks? He is instantly decapitated with one swift evil stare and no sex for a month. Kinda funny.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Pushing through the Pain
This is a hard week. At first I thought it was stress from work. Because once again I fail to acknowledge that I have the unfortunate pleasure of being human. And as hard as I try - I still sometimes fall prey to my broken heart and the life that I try daily to rise above and push forward from.
Today is a day that the pain of change and circumstance finally catches up with me. And I am overwhelmed with grief and sadness. My breaking heart overrides my persistence and just refuses to cooperate. As a major occurrence brings back all the pain of defeat as if it happened only yesterday.
Leaving home. At times in your life it is so exhilarating and exciting. And until recently I looked forward to moving on. To moving off a street full of people who now pity me. Who knew me when I was happy. Who treat me as the topic of gossip.
Moving forward and on with my life. Starting a new chapter and freeing myself from my past. But today my heart has stopped me in my tracks and reminded me that it does not feel free. My heart is sad. It is leaving a home that it has loved. It is a home that is filled with memories of a happy life. A home, it is my home.
The home I built. The home that I earned. It is the only home that my children have known. And it is the last home I will know for a while. This house has been my refuge. It was my haven during my divorce. It has been a place that has brought me warmth and comfort. It has served as my fortress.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find a home again. I think the fear of never feeling at home again is what truly breaks my heart. At least in my current house - although I was lonely - I was at home.
And now I will no longer be at home. But I will still be lonely. So what else will I have?
My heart knows that we must move on, but today, it is making me mourn.
Today is a day that the pain of change and circumstance finally catches up with me. And I am overwhelmed with grief and sadness. My breaking heart overrides my persistence and just refuses to cooperate. As a major occurrence brings back all the pain of defeat as if it happened only yesterday.
Leaving home. At times in your life it is so exhilarating and exciting. And until recently I looked forward to moving on. To moving off a street full of people who now pity me. Who knew me when I was happy. Who treat me as the topic of gossip.
Moving forward and on with my life. Starting a new chapter and freeing myself from my past. But today my heart has stopped me in my tracks and reminded me that it does not feel free. My heart is sad. It is leaving a home that it has loved. It is a home that is filled with memories of a happy life. A home, it is my home.
The home I built. The home that I earned. It is the only home that my children have known. And it is the last home I will know for a while. This house has been my refuge. It was my haven during my divorce. It has been a place that has brought me warmth and comfort. It has served as my fortress.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find a home again. I think the fear of never feeling at home again is what truly breaks my heart. At least in my current house - although I was lonely - I was at home.
And now I will no longer be at home. But I will still be lonely. So what else will I have?
My heart knows that we must move on, but today, it is making me mourn.
Monday, March 31, 2008
New Life...
So I am now an Aunt - again - but for my little brother - so that is a first. I am so excited for him and his wife!!
New babies are like Christmas.
They ground you. They remind you of what is important. Family. They bring you joy - no matter what is going on in your life. How can you possibly frown while looking at the face of a new born. The innocence, the love and the peace. The stillness that they give your world for just an instant. It is the closest that we will ever get to Heaven while we are still alive - to be in the presence of new life.
Tonight takes me back to the 2 precious days in my life when I met my daughters. They were such beautiful and delicate angels, yet so strong and full of hope. Gifts from God. And they continue to bring me joy - everyday.
Cheers to my new favorite Niece! Peyton Elizabeth! Welcome to the family and we cannot wait to get to know you!!
Love your future favorite Aunt!
Muah!
New babies are like Christmas.
They ground you. They remind you of what is important. Family. They bring you joy - no matter what is going on in your life. How can you possibly frown while looking at the face of a new born. The innocence, the love and the peace. The stillness that they give your world for just an instant. It is the closest that we will ever get to Heaven while we are still alive - to be in the presence of new life.
Tonight takes me back to the 2 precious days in my life when I met my daughters. They were such beautiful and delicate angels, yet so strong and full of hope. Gifts from God. And they continue to bring me joy - everyday.
Cheers to my new favorite Niece! Peyton Elizabeth! Welcome to the family and we cannot wait to get to know you!!
Love your future favorite Aunt!
Muah!
Sunday, March 9, 2008
My Confession
Today I did something that I am not proud of.
Actually in the last 6 months I have done a lot of things I’m not proud of.
I haven’t stolen anything… (Well, not from a person), and I didn’t kill or physically maim anyone.
But I have definitely done my fair share of bending the truth (lying), forging documents and making promises I know I won’t keep.
But if faced with these decisions again, I am afraid I would make the same choices. Because these aren’t decisions that I am making to gain riches or power or even to further my career.
These are choices that I have to make to survive.
To be able to provide for two precious children who have already suffered enough at the hands of my decisions.
It is a choice of paying a bill or being able to buy groceries.
It’s a decision to either tell the truth and uphold my ethics or provide a roof for my girls.
And when faced with a decision that ultimately will harm your children, I’m afraid to say that you do things you would never imagine doing.
I wrestle with that. I apologize to God hoping that some how my noble intentions will redeem me in his eyes or at least find forgiveness.
I am not proud of this place I have found myself in; of eating or be eaten, cut or be cut.
It is a method of survival. And I will do what I must to provide for my girls.
I keep telling myself I will be able to absolve myself once I make it through this storm.
But the guilt of my actions is really beginning to torture my soul.
Over the last few months my actions do not accurately portray who I am.
I hope and pray that I will be able to become myself again.
I’m scared of loosing myself to this person this persona who fiercely protects and only cares for my family – but ignores the rules and laws that the majority abides by.
It’s sort of scary to think that you might loose yourself in the battles of survival; in the trials I face to dig myself and my family out of this grave that I put us in.
I’m not proud of several things that I have done, but if I learned one thing from the hell of entrepreneurship.
It is that, there is a reason for the saying “Survival of the Fittest”.
It IS the mantra of the real world. No matter who you are.
Actually in the last 6 months I have done a lot of things I’m not proud of.
I haven’t stolen anything… (Well, not from a person), and I didn’t kill or physically maim anyone.
But I have definitely done my fair share of bending the truth (lying), forging documents and making promises I know I won’t keep.
But if faced with these decisions again, I am afraid I would make the same choices. Because these aren’t decisions that I am making to gain riches or power or even to further my career.
These are choices that I have to make to survive.
To be able to provide for two precious children who have already suffered enough at the hands of my decisions.
It is a choice of paying a bill or being able to buy groceries.
It’s a decision to either tell the truth and uphold my ethics or provide a roof for my girls.
And when faced with a decision that ultimately will harm your children, I’m afraid to say that you do things you would never imagine doing.
I wrestle with that. I apologize to God hoping that some how my noble intentions will redeem me in his eyes or at least find forgiveness.
I am not proud of this place I have found myself in; of eating or be eaten, cut or be cut.
It is a method of survival. And I will do what I must to provide for my girls.
I keep telling myself I will be able to absolve myself once I make it through this storm.
But the guilt of my actions is really beginning to torture my soul.
Over the last few months my actions do not accurately portray who I am.
I hope and pray that I will be able to become myself again.
I’m scared of loosing myself to this person this persona who fiercely protects and only cares for my family – but ignores the rules and laws that the majority abides by.
It’s sort of scary to think that you might loose yourself in the battles of survival; in the trials I face to dig myself and my family out of this grave that I put us in.
I’m not proud of several things that I have done, but if I learned one thing from the hell of entrepreneurship.
It is that, there is a reason for the saying “Survival of the Fittest”.
It IS the mantra of the real world. No matter who you are.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
An Angel in a UPS Uniform
So...
Quick Update!
Most of you probably haven't even gotten a chance to read the blog that I posted yesterday ~ but guess what!! God works REALLY fast sometimes!!
I should of given up control weeks ago!
So last night Gigi and I are doing some cleaning when all of a sudden the doorbell rings around 7pm. My immediate reaction is ... 'Shit! This cannot be good.'
I'm thinking to myself - 'I swear if I get served one more time I'm going to blow off someone's head!' I open the door to see the tail lights of the UPS truck driving off. And I look down to see a package on my doorstep.
Again, still thinking... 'Great ~ wonder where this blow is coming from?'
I pick up the package and am trying to find the name of the law firm on the return address so I can assess how I need to brace myself.
When suddenly.... I have to study it for a moment to see if I'm seeing it correctly.
Yes! Yes I am! I see that it's from Level 3. In Colorado. With an HR department in the address!!!
I don't think I have ever ripped open a package faster!!
I pulled out a folder - Hallelujah!!! They don't send No Thank You letters in folders!!
I Scream like a little girl ~ I am so excited to see the offer letter and the entire package that they have sent me!! I seriously must have jumped up and down for joy ~ for at least a good 5 minutes!! Yelling and screaming ~ you would have thought I had won the lottery!!
My dog started jumping with me!! I don't think I have been this happy to recieve a job offering in my ENTIRE life!
I stop long enough to review the main details ~ it's all there. Everything we discussed!
Oh happy day! Oh happy, happy, HAPPY day!!
I swear if that UPS guy hadn't taken off so fast I would have kissed him!
Last night was the first night in about a year that I crawled in bed with peace.
And the first time in a very long time that I went to sleep excited about tomorrow.
And lastly ~ but certainly most importantly ~ I went to bed thankful that God had once again taken care of me. And I owe him everything.
Thank you God! for my angel in a brown UPS uniform - who has no idea that he delivered a life changing package last night. An envelope that has renewed my spirit, my hopes and most importantly my strength to stay focused!
Thank you to all my friends and family for your continued support and love! As I know that you all are just as excited and elated as I am!
And I promise to wait at least 6 months before complaining about my new job!!
Just kidding... hopefully!
Quick Update!
Most of you probably haven't even gotten a chance to read the blog that I posted yesterday ~ but guess what!! God works REALLY fast sometimes!!
I should of given up control weeks ago!
So last night Gigi and I are doing some cleaning when all of a sudden the doorbell rings around 7pm. My immediate reaction is ... 'Shit! This cannot be good.'
I'm thinking to myself - 'I swear if I get served one more time I'm going to blow off someone's head!' I open the door to see the tail lights of the UPS truck driving off. And I look down to see a package on my doorstep.
Again, still thinking... 'Great ~ wonder where this blow is coming from?'
I pick up the package and am trying to find the name of the law firm on the return address so I can assess how I need to brace myself.
When suddenly.... I have to study it for a moment to see if I'm seeing it correctly.
Yes! Yes I am! I see that it's from Level 3. In Colorado. With an HR department in the address!!!
I don't think I have ever ripped open a package faster!!
I pulled out a folder - Hallelujah!!! They don't send No Thank You letters in folders!!
I Scream like a little girl ~ I am so excited to see the offer letter and the entire package that they have sent me!! I seriously must have jumped up and down for joy ~ for at least a good 5 minutes!! Yelling and screaming ~ you would have thought I had won the lottery!!
My dog started jumping with me!! I don't think I have been this happy to recieve a job offering in my ENTIRE life!
I stop long enough to review the main details ~ it's all there. Everything we discussed!
Oh happy day! Oh happy, happy, HAPPY day!!
I swear if that UPS guy hadn't taken off so fast I would have kissed him!
Last night was the first night in about a year that I crawled in bed with peace.
And the first time in a very long time that I went to sleep excited about tomorrow.
And lastly ~ but certainly most importantly ~ I went to bed thankful that God had once again taken care of me. And I owe him everything.
Thank you God! for my angel in a brown UPS uniform - who has no idea that he delivered a life changing package last night. An envelope that has renewed my spirit, my hopes and most importantly my strength to stay focused!
Thank you to all my friends and family for your continued support and love! As I know that you all are just as excited and elated as I am!
And I promise to wait at least 6 months before complaining about my new job!!
Just kidding... hopefully!
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This Madness Called Life
- The Untamable Vixen
- An insight into the crazy life of a 30-something struggling to rebuild her life and climb her way back to the top.
