Waiting to lose control...

So just to update everyone... Nothing has changed.

Unfortunately, I am serious - I have two jobs hanging in the air above my head.
One is a for sure deal - just waiting for the company to get their act together.
The other - is the job of my dreams in which I am in the final running for, but no decision has been made yet on who they are going to choose.
Either way, I believe it has been the longest 4 weeks of my life, and I am still a current and unwilling participant of the waiting game.

It is beginning to effect my psychie, my health and me in general.
I was talking to Carrie last night and she too was like "What is up with your life???"
And I said I have no idea, I think God has a twisted sense of humor, to which she agreed.
But I know that isn't the case.
I know he doesn't, I am secure enough in my relationship to know that he does EVERYTHING with a purpose.

So I am frantically trying to figure out what I am not doing right, or what am I missing?? Let's see....
- I have faith in him... Check
- I have faith in me.... Check
- I trust him.... Check
- I am open to him.... Check
- I have my priorities in order..... Check

Seriously??? What am I missing??

I mean I have learned to have patience but this is just asinine; and I'm worried that I am about to go mad.
I mean it - I'm not just saying that.

I am going through the motions, trying to lay low, trying to maintain for just a little longer, praying and hoping that the relief will come soon, because I am not sure how much longer I can hold it together.

I feel as though I am physically suffocating. I can't make any decisions, I can't make any plans. At this state I am living hand to mouth and it is complete torture. Something I am not accustomed to nor do I care to continue doing.

I am unable to even begin to describe the state of irritation that I am feeling right now. I could be on a beach with nothing but a cool breeze, the sound of the ocean and the perfect drink in hand, and I would still be irritated.

I'm trying desperately to carry on with my life. Hang out with friends, dating, taking care of my kids, keeping myself in motion. But the harder I try to keep going the more tired and exhausted I become.

I desperately want to yell out - I give up. I'm done.

But wait.... what if I do give up? What does that change?
And what relief would be provided if I give up?
What am I giving up? My strength?
Nope - none of that left.
My pride? (excuse me while I pick my self up off the floor from laughing so hard).
Silly - I have no pride left. Let's see...
My determination? Maybe... but determined in what?
Determined to get out of my situation - yes. But that's not what I would be giving up.
What would I be giving up - if I admitted outloud to God and everyone around me that "I.. Give... Up!"?

I don't know.
I would give up beating my head up against a wall? Perhaps....
I would give up being me? NO... I would give up the hope that I will make it out of the stituation I am in. No - that's not it.
Oh my gosh!!
I would give up control! Or trying to control.

I would give up the notion that I some how have control over this grand universe - not to mention controling the hiring practices of some forturne 500 company.
When in fact I do not!
I don't! I have no control over what happens to me.

Did I learn nothing from 2 years of therapy after my divorce?? The only thing I control is... ME. My reaction and my response to the world around me is all that I control. And like a child I am so anguished that things are not falling into place fast enough that I am beginning to act like a child. Which will not help me in the least bit!

All in due time... All in his time...


'As for God, His way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: He is a protector to all those that trust in Him.'
Psalm 18:30