Pushing through the Pain

This is a hard week. At first I thought it was stress from work. Because once again I fail to acknowledge that I have the unfortunate pleasure of being human. And as hard as I try - I still sometimes fall prey to my broken heart and the life that I try daily to rise above and push forward from.

Today is a day that the pain of change and circumstance finally catches up with me. And I am overwhelmed with grief and sadness. My breaking heart overrides my persistence and just refuses to cooperate. As a major occurrence brings back all the pain of defeat as if it happened only yesterday.

Leaving home. At times in your life it is so exhilarating and exciting. And until recently I looked forward to moving on. To moving off a street full of people who now pity me. Who knew me when I was happy. Who treat me as the topic of gossip.

Moving forward and on with my life. Starting a new chapter and freeing myself from my past. But today my heart has stopped me in my tracks and reminded me that it does not feel free. My heart is sad. It is leaving a home that it has loved. It is a home that is filled with memories of a happy life. A home, it is my home.

The home I built. The home that I earned. It is the only home that my children have known. And it is the last home I will know for a while. This house has been my refuge. It was my haven during my divorce. It has been a place that has brought me warmth and comfort. It has served as my fortress.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find a home again. I think the fear of never feeling at home again is what truly breaks my heart. At least in my current house - although I was lonely - I was at home.

And now I will no longer be at home. But I will still be lonely. So what else will I have?

My heart knows that we must move on, but today, it is making me mourn.

New Life...

So I am now an Aunt - again - but for my little brother - so that is a first. I am so excited for him and his wife!!

New babies are like Christmas.

They ground you. They remind you of what is important. Family. They bring you joy - no matter what is going on in your life. How can you possibly frown while looking at the face of a new born. The innocence, the love and the peace. The stillness that they give your world for just an instant. It is the closest that we will ever get to Heaven while we are still alive - to be in the presence of new life.

Tonight takes me back to the 2 precious days in my life when I met my daughters. They were such beautiful and delicate angels, yet so strong and full of hope. Gifts from God. And they continue to bring me joy - everyday.

Cheers to my new favorite Niece! Peyton Elizabeth! Welcome to the family and we cannot wait to get to know you!!
Love your future favorite Aunt!
Muah!

My Confession

Today I did something that I am not proud of.
Actually in the last 6 months I have done a lot of things I’m not proud of.
I haven’t stolen anything… (Well, not from a person), and I didn’t kill or physically maim anyone.
But I have definitely done my fair share of bending the truth (lying), forging documents and making promises I know I won’t keep.

But if faced with these decisions again, I am afraid I would make the same choices. Because these aren’t decisions that I am making to gain riches or power or even to further my career.
These are choices that I have to make to survive.
To be able to provide for two precious children who have already suffered enough at the hands of my decisions.

It is a choice of paying a bill or being able to buy groceries.
It’s a decision to either tell the truth and uphold my ethics or provide a roof for my girls.
And when faced with a decision that ultimately will harm your children, I’m afraid to say that you do things you would never imagine doing.

I wrestle with that. I apologize to God hoping that some how my noble intentions will redeem me in his eyes or at least find forgiveness.

I am not proud of this place I have found myself in; of eating or be eaten, cut or be cut.
It is a method of survival. And I will do what I must to provide for my girls.
I keep telling myself I will be able to absolve myself once I make it through this storm.

But the guilt of my actions is really beginning to torture my soul.

Over the last few months my actions do not accurately portray who I am.
I hope and pray that I will be able to become myself again.
I’m scared of loosing myself to this person this persona who fiercely protects and only cares for my family – but ignores the rules and laws that the majority abides by.

It’s sort of scary to think that you might loose yourself in the battles of survival; in the trials I face to dig myself and my family out of this grave that I put us in.

I’m not proud of several things that I have done, but if I learned one thing from the hell of entrepreneurship.
It is that, there is a reason for the saying “Survival of the Fittest”.
It IS the mantra of the real world. No matter who you are.

An Angel in a UPS Uniform

So...

Quick Update!

Most of you probably haven't even gotten a chance to read the blog that I posted yesterday ~ but guess what!! God works REALLY fast sometimes!!

I should of given up control weeks ago!

So last night Gigi and I are doing some cleaning when all of a sudden the doorbell rings around 7pm. My immediate reaction is ... 'Shit! This cannot be good.'

I'm thinking to myself - 'I swear if I get served one more time I'm going to blow off someone's head!' I open the door to see the tail lights of the UPS truck driving off. And I look down to see a package on my doorstep.

Again, still thinking... 'Great ~ wonder where this blow is coming from?'

I pick up the package and am trying to find the name of the law firm on the return address so I can assess how I need to brace myself.

When suddenly.... I have to study it for a moment to see if I'm seeing it correctly.
Yes! Yes I am! I see that it's from Level 3. In Colorado. With an HR department in the address!!!

I don't think I have ever ripped open a package faster!!

I pulled out a folder - Hallelujah!!! They don't send No Thank You letters in folders!!

I Scream like a little girl ~ I am so excited to see the offer letter and the entire package that they have sent me!! I seriously must have jumped up and down for joy ~ for at least a good 5 minutes!! Yelling and screaming ~ you would have thought I had won the lottery!!

My dog started jumping with me!! I don't think I have been this happy to recieve a job offering in my ENTIRE life!

I stop long enough to review the main details ~ it's all there. Everything we discussed!

Oh happy day! Oh happy, happy, HAPPY day!!
I swear if that UPS guy hadn't taken off so fast I would have kissed him!

Last night was the first night in about a year that I crawled in bed with peace.
And the first time in a very long time that I went to sleep excited about tomorrow.
And lastly ~ but certainly most importantly ~ I went to bed thankful that God had once again taken care of me. And I owe him everything.

Thank you God! for my angel in a brown UPS uniform - who has no idea that he delivered a life changing package last night. An envelope that has renewed my spirit, my hopes and most importantly my strength to stay focused!

Thank you to all my friends and family for your continued support and love! As I know that you all are just as excited and elated as I am!

And I promise to wait at least 6 months before complaining about my new job!!
Just kidding... hopefully!

Waiting to lose control...

So just to update everyone... Nothing has changed.

Unfortunately, I am serious - I have two jobs hanging in the air above my head.
One is a for sure deal - just waiting for the company to get their act together.
The other - is the job of my dreams in which I am in the final running for, but no decision has been made yet on who they are going to choose.
Either way, I believe it has been the longest 4 weeks of my life, and I am still a current and unwilling participant of the waiting game.

It is beginning to effect my psychie, my health and me in general.
I was talking to Carrie last night and she too was like "What is up with your life???"
And I said I have no idea, I think God has a twisted sense of humor, to which she agreed.
But I know that isn't the case.
I know he doesn't, I am secure enough in my relationship to know that he does EVERYTHING with a purpose.

So I am frantically trying to figure out what I am not doing right, or what am I missing?? Let's see....
- I have faith in him... Check
- I have faith in me.... Check
- I trust him.... Check
- I am open to him.... Check
- I have my priorities in order..... Check

Seriously??? What am I missing??

I mean I have learned to have patience but this is just asinine; and I'm worried that I am about to go mad.
I mean it - I'm not just saying that.

I am going through the motions, trying to lay low, trying to maintain for just a little longer, praying and hoping that the relief will come soon, because I am not sure how much longer I can hold it together.

I feel as though I am physically suffocating. I can't make any decisions, I can't make any plans. At this state I am living hand to mouth and it is complete torture. Something I am not accustomed to nor do I care to continue doing.

I am unable to even begin to describe the state of irritation that I am feeling right now. I could be on a beach with nothing but a cool breeze, the sound of the ocean and the perfect drink in hand, and I would still be irritated.

I'm trying desperately to carry on with my life. Hang out with friends, dating, taking care of my kids, keeping myself in motion. But the harder I try to keep going the more tired and exhausted I become.

I desperately want to yell out - I give up. I'm done.

But wait.... what if I do give up? What does that change?
And what relief would be provided if I give up?
What am I giving up? My strength?
Nope - none of that left.
My pride? (excuse me while I pick my self up off the floor from laughing so hard).
Silly - I have no pride left. Let's see...
My determination? Maybe... but determined in what?
Determined to get out of my situation - yes. But that's not what I would be giving up.
What would I be giving up - if I admitted outloud to God and everyone around me that "I.. Give... Up!"?

I don't know.
I would give up beating my head up against a wall? Perhaps....
I would give up being me? NO... I would give up the hope that I will make it out of the stituation I am in. No - that's not it.
Oh my gosh!!
I would give up control! Or trying to control.

I would give up the notion that I some how have control over this grand universe - not to mention controling the hiring practices of some forturne 500 company.
When in fact I do not!
I don't! I have no control over what happens to me.

Did I learn nothing from 2 years of therapy after my divorce?? The only thing I control is... ME. My reaction and my response to the world around me is all that I control. And like a child I am so anguished that things are not falling into place fast enough that I am beginning to act like a child. Which will not help me in the least bit!

All in due time... All in his time...


'As for God, His way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: He is a protector to all those that trust in Him.'
Psalm 18:30

The Beginning of Humility

So I am increasingly becoming more and more irritated with the generation that is behind mine. The Generation Y Bratz, as I like to affectionately call them, are absolutely the most spoiled, self-indulgent, naïve generation that we have seen yet! ~ This is of course a generalization, there are always exceptions to the rules, but all of my former employees belong to this generation, so I sort of have first hand experience in regards to my rantings!!

The Generation Y, or should I say ‘Cry’, as in they are so whiny and useless – and they have NO ambition!! So of course their expectations of the job market are ridiculous and it irritates me that I have to compete with them!! UGH! I'm seriously going to have to do a blog dedicated to how catering to this generation is NOT going to help America in the global economy!! But I digress...

As I was thinking about the above subject it dawned on me that I need to start laying some of the back story for my job hunting and the lessons learned during my transition from business owner back to employee. And since part of this blog is supposed to be like a memoir I thought this would be a good time to begin the story of my current job and how it came to be.

After the fall of my business this past June - I took a few months off - went to Mexico, hid out and pretty much surrounded myself with only my most trusted friends, as I was emotionally unstable (to put it nicely) and my goal was to make it through one day at a time without falling completely apart. I was so numb from all of the chaos, confusion and betrayal, that it took me quite a while to process the events and my reality. I slowly regained my ability to ‘feel’ and think as I repaired my mental strength and regained my bearings. I literally was recuperating from having the wind knocked out of my soul.

One day enough of the fog had cleared that my brain began to realize that Donald Trump was not aware of my availability and therefore I was going to need to figure out some income options pretty fast while I looked for a new career. So I swallowed what ounce of pride I had left and went to the Temp Agency.

So there I am; sitting across the desk from a girl in her late 20s, sporting braces, trying to explain my situation. Which frankly at the time felt like the most humiliating moment (little did I know what was in store... anyways...). Although my brain knew I had nothing to be ashamed of - I couldn't help but feel so small, like I was 24 all over again.

But it was worse than being 24 and straight out of college, because instead of an exciting outlook filled with hope and opportunity, it was desperation and humility. It was all I could do to keep from crying - trying to explain in my professional attitude that "Hey, it's a fact of life. I tried and I didn't succeed. It happens everyday to millions of people. And I am ready to move on..."

In reality that didn't make me feel any better. I couldn't help thinking to myself through the entire appointment... "This chick is someone that just 6 months ago, I would have been interviewing and managing. And now I'm sitting here trying to convince her that I'm not a complete failure and somehow 'spin' my value and plans to move on (almost as if I was selling it to myself).

So there I am sitting in this small very uninteresting office with cheap poorly framed print knock-offs, that Wal-Mart wouldn't even sell, hanging on the walls and trying to paint a picture of my professional future to some clueless girl who can't even imagine what true stress is.

She has no idea who I am, nor could she possible comprehend what I have been through or am going through; and yet I appeal to her as a hardworking single mom who is starting over and I need a good temporary job to keep me a float while I try to start my life over.

We have a nice conversation to which she mentions several times how overqualified I am (meanwhile I am squelching the response of "I may be overqualified but that doesn't pay my bills Einstein! Just give me a freakin' job and stop telling me about the reality that I run into every freaking morning when I wake up!) And so I smile and say 'Thanks', as I mention politely that "I do need to keep my skills sharp while I'm looking for a new job. So anything that you might have available would be very helpful." (God - please take me now!)

To her credit she calls me about 2 days later and with a temp to hire position (meaning they want to test you out and if you are normal they will offer you a permanent job - which is not what I was wanting), however she rarely gets positions that pay as well as this one does, she infoms me. Apparently she did understand the depths of my despair ~ because she knew it wasn't something permanent for me - but rather an ends to a mean. God - had stepped in and presented me with a short term solution; and I gladly accepted it.

Smiling Through Clenched Teeth

So this weekend was absolutely great!! I went on not one, but two dates!! With two very nice guys and looking forward to seeing both of them again, so it was a nice distraction from this waiting room game that I am currently trying to pretend that I am not in.

Allow me to clarify, I have one dream job that I am in the top running for, another really great job that I am waiting for the final yes or no, and I began the process for a 3rd phenomenal opportunity. This is all fantastic, I should be ecstatic and I am - but I am also in limbo - just sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to be told to "Come On Down!!"

In the mean time, I have to go to a job that I am beyond sick of (thank you God for giving it to me, but I am really READY to move on) and am having fantasies of going postal the next time some one asks me to do something that my dog could do.

I have bills that I am dying to pay off, a birthday party to throw for my daughters, my future to begin rebuilding and basically beyond ready to get this party started.

However, I am sitting at the starting line (still), revving my engine and thinking that I am about to explode. And then my well meaning friends and family, God Love Them All, come along and ask that simple yet in your face - "oh did you forget you were waiting?" question that makes me want to scream until my ears bleed... "So... have you heard anything??"

NO - NO I HAVEN'T!!!!!

I assure you... no wait... I promise you! The entire world will know when I have heard something. I will write it in the sky, send out smoke signals and it will be breaking news that will interrupt Oprah!!

"This just in... Diane has finally gotten a job, she is very excited to start and says her first actions will be to plan a big birthday party for her daughters and stop mooching off her parents! - It's about time..."

I feel like some anxious kid on a Christmas Eve that will never end!!! My mom asks, so have you heard anything? NO mom. first off, it's freaking Monday - NOTHING has changed since I talked to yesterday - I am seriously about to loose my freaking mind!!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't heard anything - I'm still waiting - I assure you - NO ONE is more ready to move on with my life than me!! However, no one is as in as much of hurry for me to get hired as I am .

So by all means, please understand that it isn't you... but when I force a smile while clenching my teeth when someone innocently asks... "So have you heard anything?"

It is because I am repressing a demon like reaction that would consist of smoke escaping from my ears, sparks flying from my eyes while my head twirls around and I talk in a low demented voice replying slowly....
No... I... Have.... not.