A Good Kind of Deja Vu

Last week, I went to what is now referred to my old home to get the last of my things - or at least move them out to the garage. The house was completely cleared out and had been cleaned. Carpets swept and cleaned, the kitchen was spotless - all the bathrooms practically sparkled. I was standing in the entry way (foyer) looking into the living room - and felt a deja vu.

It took me back to 2003 - when I entered the house for the first time after it had been completed. It was an erie but very real feeling.

The memory of how excited and hopeful I felt when I came in 5 years ago to check the place out before moving in. I haven't felt that way in a long time.

As I scanned the house I suddenly realized how much I have enjoyed living here. And what a beautiful place this was. I say that - because honestly over the last couple of months it didn't feel nice.

But now everything was clean. All my crap, physical and mental - was gone. It was brand new all over. For a second I couldn't help but hope that the same was true for me. As I stood there silently admiring the peaceful emptiness. The sun filling the rooms and bouncing off the walls, creating a very soft glow, as memories of the last 5 years played out in the rooms. It was like watching a movie full of lifetime clips.

Christmases, birthdays, family get togethers, and cook outs, kids playing and laughing - all good memories. It was like the house was reminding me to only remember all the great and precious moments we had there - and everything else will just be a distant past.

I told a very good friend of mine that I didn't think I would get so choked up about leaving. But as I stood there in the middle of a house it represented so much more than my house. It was my life. It was me that was all cleaned up, and ready for a new beginning.

I will not forget my past, but I will choose to only remember the good parts.

Bitter Observations in Review

You know sometimes I find that when the anger and irritation become too much the best thing is just to run them out, literally.

Last night I went on a 5K walk - run. During that time for what ever reason I went through this list in my mind of things I have observed, noticed or learned about over the last several weeks. In order to appease my current frustration with life, I am going to share. They may seem a bit bitter - but I feel getting them off your chest is better than harboring them.

1. The anger and hurt never really go away, we just learn to refocus on other things. In order to be happy and sane we must learn to move on - but the pain will revisit and take you back down memory lane on occasion.

2. A line I heard the other day in the movie 'Becoming Jane': "Nothing will break the human spirit like poverty." This is a very true statement...

3. This may seem bitter - but it's not - it's is a common reality. The statement... "You marry for love the first time. The second time you marry for money." or security - whichever way you choose to spin it, I am beginning to see how people come to this conclusion.

4. Sometimes revenge is good for the soul.

5. Passive revenge is better than blatant revenge.

6. Anger is not a sin. It means you have standards, ethics and morals, and someone has crossed that line for you. Sometimes we need to get angry to make a change.

7. One of the best sermons I ever heard was about Jesus becoming angry.

8. I feel that if I can't send religious emails around work, then people shouldn't be able to send earth day emails around either. I don't preach to them about their sins, don't preach to me about my waste! That is soooo annoying, and shows you don't have enough work to do!

9. I hate the saying "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." Really? Try living in my world for a day. That phrase uses the word stronger, but I believe most people just become hardened. Because true hardship, actually can kill a small piece of your heart or spirit. It forces us to become more guarded and less likely to put ourselves out there. A soldier doesn't just wonder back onto the battlefield on his second tour of duty. He is more suspicious, more jaded and more cautious.

10. I hate the boys club! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! Do you know why?? Because guys who are in the boys club exclude women just because they are women. They are such cowards. They can't handle competition - even if it is friendly - and they are so damn clique-ish. It's like freakin middle school - except out on the golf course instead of the play ground. I forgot how much I hated the boys club.

11. Two brand managers start within weeks of each other. They have the same boss who reports to the Director. One takes to their job and impresses people all over the company ramping up in a matter of weeks - and taking initiative. Working of 4 high level products and getting things done. The second manager comes in 5 weeks later. Has several high level projects, but wonders around clueless and not doing anything because they don't know the process. This manager gets to have one on one face time with the Director shortly after coming on board. --- which one do you think is the guy???

12. My dog killed a baby bunny rabbit and left it on the patio for me. I took a shovel and threw the bunny carcass over the neighbors fence - they don't have kids. I sort of feel bad about that - but really I just think its funny.

13. I have developed a darker sense of humor over the last few months. That must be me getting "stronger" from all the stuff that hasn't killed me over the past 2 years.

14. I am really looking forward to a day that will hopefully come soon when I can utter the words "I'm bored."

16. I miss shopping and buying clothes. I miss having new shoes. I miss buying too many clothes for my girls. I miss drinking with my gal pals.

17. Enjoying a cup of coffee at your desk in the mornings without being mauled is now a simple pleasure that I can enjoy.

18. You know if someone wants to work while they are on maternity leave - they are allowed to do that. Leave them the hell alone. It's not your kid or your family.

19. It is very upsetting that I have gained almost 10 pounds because I quit smoking. But I really don't want to start back.

20. You know how minorities can call each other by racists names but people not from that race can't? Well, I think it's funny how women can ask each other if it's that time of the month and we are cool with it and actually contemplate it as a possibility, but if a man asks? He is instantly decapitated with one swift evil stare and no sex for a month. Kinda funny.