New Life...

So I am now an Aunt - again - but for my little brother - so that is a first. I am so excited for him and his wife!!

New babies are like Christmas.

They ground you. They remind you of what is important. Family. They bring you joy - no matter what is going on in your life. How can you possibly frown while looking at the face of a new born. The innocence, the love and the peace. The stillness that they give your world for just an instant. It is the closest that we will ever get to Heaven while we are still alive - to be in the presence of new life.

Tonight takes me back to the 2 precious days in my life when I met my daughters. They were such beautiful and delicate angels, yet so strong and full of hope. Gifts from God. And they continue to bring me joy - everyday.

Cheers to my new favorite Niece! Peyton Elizabeth! Welcome to the family and we cannot wait to get to know you!!
Love your future favorite Aunt!
Muah!

My Confession

Today I did something that I am not proud of.
Actually in the last 6 months I have done a lot of things I’m not proud of.
I haven’t stolen anything… (Well, not from a person), and I didn’t kill or physically maim anyone.
But I have definitely done my fair share of bending the truth (lying), forging documents and making promises I know I won’t keep.

But if faced with these decisions again, I am afraid I would make the same choices. Because these aren’t decisions that I am making to gain riches or power or even to further my career.
These are choices that I have to make to survive.
To be able to provide for two precious children who have already suffered enough at the hands of my decisions.

It is a choice of paying a bill or being able to buy groceries.
It’s a decision to either tell the truth and uphold my ethics or provide a roof for my girls.
And when faced with a decision that ultimately will harm your children, I’m afraid to say that you do things you would never imagine doing.

I wrestle with that. I apologize to God hoping that some how my noble intentions will redeem me in his eyes or at least find forgiveness.

I am not proud of this place I have found myself in; of eating or be eaten, cut or be cut.
It is a method of survival. And I will do what I must to provide for my girls.
I keep telling myself I will be able to absolve myself once I make it through this storm.

But the guilt of my actions is really beginning to torture my soul.

Over the last few months my actions do not accurately portray who I am.
I hope and pray that I will be able to become myself again.
I’m scared of loosing myself to this person this persona who fiercely protects and only cares for my family – but ignores the rules and laws that the majority abides by.

It’s sort of scary to think that you might loose yourself in the battles of survival; in the trials I face to dig myself and my family out of this grave that I put us in.

I’m not proud of several things that I have done, but if I learned one thing from the hell of entrepreneurship.
It is that, there is a reason for the saying “Survival of the Fittest”.
It IS the mantra of the real world. No matter who you are.