My Confession

Today I did something that I am not proud of.
Actually in the last 6 months I have done a lot of things I’m not proud of.
I haven’t stolen anything… (Well, not from a person), and I didn’t kill or physically maim anyone.
But I have definitely done my fair share of bending the truth (lying), forging documents and making promises I know I won’t keep.

But if faced with these decisions again, I am afraid I would make the same choices. Because these aren’t decisions that I am making to gain riches or power or even to further my career.
These are choices that I have to make to survive.
To be able to provide for two precious children who have already suffered enough at the hands of my decisions.

It is a choice of paying a bill or being able to buy groceries.
It’s a decision to either tell the truth and uphold my ethics or provide a roof for my girls.
And when faced with a decision that ultimately will harm your children, I’m afraid to say that you do things you would never imagine doing.

I wrestle with that. I apologize to God hoping that some how my noble intentions will redeem me in his eyes or at least find forgiveness.

I am not proud of this place I have found myself in; of eating or be eaten, cut or be cut.
It is a method of survival. And I will do what I must to provide for my girls.
I keep telling myself I will be able to absolve myself once I make it through this storm.

But the guilt of my actions is really beginning to torture my soul.

Over the last few months my actions do not accurately portray who I am.
I hope and pray that I will be able to become myself again.
I’m scared of loosing myself to this person this persona who fiercely protects and only cares for my family – but ignores the rules and laws that the majority abides by.

It’s sort of scary to think that you might loose yourself in the battles of survival; in the trials I face to dig myself and my family out of this grave that I put us in.

I’m not proud of several things that I have done, but if I learned one thing from the hell of entrepreneurship.
It is that, there is a reason for the saying “Survival of the Fittest”.
It IS the mantra of the real world. No matter who you are.