Pushing through the Pain

This is a hard week. At first I thought it was stress from work. Because once again I fail to acknowledge that I have the unfortunate pleasure of being human. And as hard as I try - I still sometimes fall prey to my broken heart and the life that I try daily to rise above and push forward from.

Today is a day that the pain of change and circumstance finally catches up with me. And I am overwhelmed with grief and sadness. My breaking heart overrides my persistence and just refuses to cooperate. As a major occurrence brings back all the pain of defeat as if it happened only yesterday.

Leaving home. At times in your life it is so exhilarating and exciting. And until recently I looked forward to moving on. To moving off a street full of people who now pity me. Who knew me when I was happy. Who treat me as the topic of gossip.

Moving forward and on with my life. Starting a new chapter and freeing myself from my past. But today my heart has stopped me in my tracks and reminded me that it does not feel free. My heart is sad. It is leaving a home that it has loved. It is a home that is filled with memories of a happy life. A home, it is my home.

The home I built. The home that I earned. It is the only home that my children have known. And it is the last home I will know for a while. This house has been my refuge. It was my haven during my divorce. It has been a place that has brought me warmth and comfort. It has served as my fortress.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find a home again. I think the fear of never feeling at home again is what truly breaks my heart. At least in my current house - although I was lonely - I was at home.

And now I will no longer be at home. But I will still be lonely. So what else will I have?

My heart knows that we must move on, but today, it is making me mourn.