The Beginning of Humility

So I am increasingly becoming more and more irritated with the generation that is behind mine. The Generation Y Bratz, as I like to affectionately call them, are absolutely the most spoiled, self-indulgent, naïve generation that we have seen yet! ~ This is of course a generalization, there are always exceptions to the rules, but all of my former employees belong to this generation, so I sort of have first hand experience in regards to my rantings!!

The Generation Y, or should I say ‘Cry’, as in they are so whiny and useless – and they have NO ambition!! So of course their expectations of the job market are ridiculous and it irritates me that I have to compete with them!! UGH! I'm seriously going to have to do a blog dedicated to how catering to this generation is NOT going to help America in the global economy!! But I digress...

As I was thinking about the above subject it dawned on me that I need to start laying some of the back story for my job hunting and the lessons learned during my transition from business owner back to employee. And since part of this blog is supposed to be like a memoir I thought this would be a good time to begin the story of my current job and how it came to be.

After the fall of my business this past June - I took a few months off - went to Mexico, hid out and pretty much surrounded myself with only my most trusted friends, as I was emotionally unstable (to put it nicely) and my goal was to make it through one day at a time without falling completely apart. I was so numb from all of the chaos, confusion and betrayal, that it took me quite a while to process the events and my reality. I slowly regained my ability to ‘feel’ and think as I repaired my mental strength and regained my bearings. I literally was recuperating from having the wind knocked out of my soul.

One day enough of the fog had cleared that my brain began to realize that Donald Trump was not aware of my availability and therefore I was going to need to figure out some income options pretty fast while I looked for a new career. So I swallowed what ounce of pride I had left and went to the Temp Agency.

So there I am; sitting across the desk from a girl in her late 20s, sporting braces, trying to explain my situation. Which frankly at the time felt like the most humiliating moment (little did I know what was in store... anyways...). Although my brain knew I had nothing to be ashamed of - I couldn't help but feel so small, like I was 24 all over again.

But it was worse than being 24 and straight out of college, because instead of an exciting outlook filled with hope and opportunity, it was desperation and humility. It was all I could do to keep from crying - trying to explain in my professional attitude that "Hey, it's a fact of life. I tried and I didn't succeed. It happens everyday to millions of people. And I am ready to move on..."

In reality that didn't make me feel any better. I couldn't help thinking to myself through the entire appointment... "This chick is someone that just 6 months ago, I would have been interviewing and managing. And now I'm sitting here trying to convince her that I'm not a complete failure and somehow 'spin' my value and plans to move on (almost as if I was selling it to myself).

So there I am sitting in this small very uninteresting office with cheap poorly framed print knock-offs, that Wal-Mart wouldn't even sell, hanging on the walls and trying to paint a picture of my professional future to some clueless girl who can't even imagine what true stress is.

She has no idea who I am, nor could she possible comprehend what I have been through or am going through; and yet I appeal to her as a hardworking single mom who is starting over and I need a good temporary job to keep me a float while I try to start my life over.

We have a nice conversation to which she mentions several times how overqualified I am (meanwhile I am squelching the response of "I may be overqualified but that doesn't pay my bills Einstein! Just give me a freakin' job and stop telling me about the reality that I run into every freaking morning when I wake up!) And so I smile and say 'Thanks', as I mention politely that "I do need to keep my skills sharp while I'm looking for a new job. So anything that you might have available would be very helpful." (God - please take me now!)

To her credit she calls me about 2 days later and with a temp to hire position (meaning they want to test you out and if you are normal they will offer you a permanent job - which is not what I was wanting), however she rarely gets positions that pay as well as this one does, she infoms me. Apparently she did understand the depths of my despair ~ because she knew it wasn't something permanent for me - but rather an ends to a mean. God - had stepped in and presented me with a short term solution; and I gladly accepted it.

Smiling Through Clenched Teeth

So this weekend was absolutely great!! I went on not one, but two dates!! With two very nice guys and looking forward to seeing both of them again, so it was a nice distraction from this waiting room game that I am currently trying to pretend that I am not in.

Allow me to clarify, I have one dream job that I am in the top running for, another really great job that I am waiting for the final yes or no, and I began the process for a 3rd phenomenal opportunity. This is all fantastic, I should be ecstatic and I am - but I am also in limbo - just sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to be told to "Come On Down!!"

In the mean time, I have to go to a job that I am beyond sick of (thank you God for giving it to me, but I am really READY to move on) and am having fantasies of going postal the next time some one asks me to do something that my dog could do.

I have bills that I am dying to pay off, a birthday party to throw for my daughters, my future to begin rebuilding and basically beyond ready to get this party started.

However, I am sitting at the starting line (still), revving my engine and thinking that I am about to explode. And then my well meaning friends and family, God Love Them All, come along and ask that simple yet in your face - "oh did you forget you were waiting?" question that makes me want to scream until my ears bleed... "So... have you heard anything??"

NO - NO I HAVEN'T!!!!!

I assure you... no wait... I promise you! The entire world will know when I have heard something. I will write it in the sky, send out smoke signals and it will be breaking news that will interrupt Oprah!!

"This just in... Diane has finally gotten a job, she is very excited to start and says her first actions will be to plan a big birthday party for her daughters and stop mooching off her parents! - It's about time..."

I feel like some anxious kid on a Christmas Eve that will never end!!! My mom asks, so have you heard anything? NO mom. first off, it's freaking Monday - NOTHING has changed since I talked to yesterday - I am seriously about to loose my freaking mind!!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't heard anything - I'm still waiting - I assure you - NO ONE is more ready to move on with my life than me!! However, no one is as in as much of hurry for me to get hired as I am .

So by all means, please understand that it isn't you... but when I force a smile while clenching my teeth when someone innocently asks... "So have you heard anything?"

It is because I am repressing a demon like reaction that would consist of smoke escaping from my ears, sparks flying from my eyes while my head twirls around and I talk in a low demented voice replying slowly....
No... I... Have.... not.

Dedicated to Tammy

So my wonderful friend Tams sends me an email telling me that I'm already behind on my blog postings... and she is correct. So this may be a crappy posting, but hey it's here.

If you read my blogs on myspace you will remember a blog that I posted called "I Believe" where I talked about this agonizing feeling that something big - life changing - was on the horizon; and I knew it wasn't going to be winning the lottery, either. It was going to be messy and hard - but what was the most agonizing part was that I knew it was time. It was time for it to come to an end. And endings are never good.

Well I have that feeling again, except this time it is with hope rather than dread. I feel it is time to move on. Like a wounded animal, I feel that I have healed and learned and am ready to go back into the wilds of life. I have humbly (for the most part) taken my hits in stride. I have learned to keep my eyes on God and to trust him. More now than ever.

Its a little weird... I feel like a character in a movie who is approached by an angel or guardian and is asking me... "Are you ready?" Am I ready to move on to the next phase of my life, am I ready to go back into the working world, am I ready to start all over?

To quote "Big" from Sex and the City... Abso-fuckin-lutely!!!

What I Learned In 2007 - The Corny Version

Sorry - this one took me a couple of days to write - so much to say - but it was very difficult to describe and put it into words. So forgive me if it sort of jumps around a lot.
God Bless you in the New Year!

On the morning of December 31st, the last day in 2007, I was driving to 'work' thinking about what a hellacious year this has been for me, my girls and unfortunately for many of those around me. But if you ask me to recall the events of this year, the first few things that come to mind are only positive ones. So even though I could pontificate for hours on why 2007 should just be erased from the history books, I am choosing to review how God enabled me to make a whole lot of lemonade in 2007.

Let's just say that 2007 provided me with a true insight of how it must feel to be the loosing opponent of a UFC match. At times I was so emotionally battered that it was tempting to just give in and check myself into the nearest loony bin. Fortunately, I am surrounded by amazing people who instead, helped pick me up, at times, allowed me to lean on them, and then stood by me while I faced my life. And if I have learned anything from this wretched year, it is that God has a plan set to his time table - not mine; but if you are patient and willing to be open to what he is teaching, you will be amazed at what he reveals.

There were a lot of things that he revealed this year - in fact I could write a book on that topic alone, but there was one lesson that he kept throwing in my face over and over again. It was the power of realizing and understanding that people cared about me; that was the most profound gift of all. Knowing that I am loved (I know - it sounds cheesy - but it is true - you have to admit). I have an incredible family that I love and adore, and I have this amazing cocoon of friends that were there for me during my darkest hours on several occasions.

Comprehending that you are loved allows you to focus on the positives in your life and the humor in your life, rather than than beat yourself down with all the bad things that seem to be hitting you at once. My friends saved my life this year.

And God set that all in motion starting years ago. Behind the scenes over the last 3 or 4 years - moving people in AND out of my life. Setting up the 'net' that would catch me when I needed it most. Although painful - he stripped away the negative relationships that would have hindered my growth process.

He then introduced and re-introduced positive influences such as Tammy, my long lost friend from college and Carrie, my sister in combat who has been with me step for step on this journey, and Alicia - my long time friend from High School who brought me back into her circle of friends after my marriage crumbled. She also married this wonderful guy who rescued me from what I would describe as the worst day of my life.

And my family... my Mom & Dad - they have been so extremely supportive, I cannot even describe my gratitude for what amazing people they are. For their support, both financially and emotionally, their love and advice and just listening as I experience what life is all about.

You know, there's a saying that when the chips are down you find out real fast who your friends are. Well in 2007 I God showed me that I am very blessed, because my friends saw me through a very dramatic year. They helped me out in ways they don't even realize - so for that I am thankful for 2007. I never thought I would be saying that until just now.

Wow. I am.

My life has improved so much this year - for the better. My outlook, my understanding, my future has been positively impacted and so for that I must be thankful for 2007. Because without it, I would never have learned to appreciate what a wonderful year 2008 will be.